Everything Happened For A Reason.

Work update:
As of Friday December 30th, I will be unemployed again.
As I mentioned earlier my company was sold to one of our largest competitors located out of Jonesboro Arkansas. For a while it looked as if there would be a chance that they could ask me to move to Arkansas, but in the end the we mutually came to the decision that it was probably not in anyone's best interest to make that move.
So come Friday of this week I will be out of a job.
Now before you start to worry about me please read on.

You see they say that everything happens for a reason. Now when I look back at everything that has happened this past year I honestly believe that.

For instance. When 2016 started I hurt. I had strictures forming weekly and was dropping weight daily. So the year started with multiple trips to the Mayo Clinic for dilations. Then came the stent experience which included a ambulance ride from Mayo to St. Mary's hospital. Then there was three tough weeks where I had problems eating anything and my weight bottomed out at 169 pounds.
I looked like a zombie from the walking dead (or close to it).

After that horrible stent experience though things started to change. My weight stabilized and I actually started gaining weight. Since my surgery eating always has been, and still is, an adventure but you learn to live with it. I now hover right around 189 pounds and fit into jeans I haven't fit into since college.
My overall health is better. Heck I even ran my first 5K this year at the annual Grey Ghost 5K in Anoka Minnesota as part of their Halloween festivities. I finished middle of the pack, but I did finish the course. Gutless and all I made it.
More importantly, since I had the stint taken out, I have not had to return to Mayo Clinic even once. So as horrible as that experience was I will take it. It was a turning point in this "adventure".

Yet life still happened and it had nothing to do with my crappy CDH1 gene. We watched as your oldest daughter and her husband moved away to North Carolina. Yes there was sadness there when it happened, but in the end we sat in amazement and pride as these two flourished and grew into a family. And took me from being just a dad to being a dad and a grandpa.

So that brings us through the year and back to that fact that at the end of this week I will be unemployed. Now I said everything happens for a reason and you may be wondering if there a reason for this. Is there an offsetting positive is to offset this?

Well... Let me introduce you to Mr. Remi!

For the week of January 8th, this little man and my daughter will be home!
So instead of having to run off to work.
Instead of commuting 41 miles one way to work.
Instead of having to manage this or to manage that.
Instead of having to worry about getting work stuff done,
Instead of having to worry why this category or that category is under budget.
I will be focused on being "Papa Roger"otherwise known as this little man's grandpa.

Yes, I may decide to take a interview here or there, but other than that my entire week will be focused on my daughter and this little amazing little man they have brought into our life. Absorbing as much of them as I can until I get to see them again!
See sometimes there is a reason.
I can't wait!

Happy New Year everyone.

We can go when we want to
The night is young and so am I
And we can dress real neat from our hats to our feet
And surprise 'em with the victory cry
(Safety Dance   Men Without Hats)

  

An Apology.

I feel like I need to start this blog out with the simple words, I am sorry.

I recently had a conversation with a person that I respect and love as brother and after telling him where I was at in my recovery, he responded with "now you have nothing to complain about".
Have I used this form for nothing but to complain? If I have then I missed what my goal was in sharing this journey. And I am sorry,.

My goal was to leave a path that my children, my grandchild, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews could follow if they ever found themselves in the same situation. A path that my sister Melanie and I found ourselves walking down. Yea the situation sucks, but we have both survived it and are living our lives without the risk of stomach cancer.

During this holiday season I have so much that I am thankful for. I am thankful for my life, a life filled with friends and family. A life with my new grandson Mr. Remi.
My hope is that this blog has not been one of a life missed, but rather of a life that lives fully without fear.

Please know that the message that I wanted to leave was one of hope and one of strength. A message that no matter what the challenge is you can over come it. You can persevere, you can survive, you can win.

I hope I didn't get too far off track.

Roger

I'm sorry, brother I'm sorry I let cha down
Well, these days your're fine
No these days you tend to lie
You'll take the west train, just by the side of Amstedam
Just by your left brain, just by the side of the Tin man
(Amsterdam  Imagine Dragons)

16 Months Post Surgery And Change Is In The Air.....

A year ago I wrote about change and how events small and large change who you are.
Well this week we are waiting on two large changes that will forever change our family.

Big change number one....

The company I work for was sold.

What does that mean for me? I don't know yet.
The sale gets completed on December 30th so by the end of the year I could be unemployed. I could also be working for a new company, I am looking, but have not found anything as of yet.
Still I may stay with my current company and in that case I would most likely have to relocate to Jonesboro Arkansas. That brings up all sorts of changes. The biggest of which would be the impact to our family unit.
On one hand we would be closer to our daughter, her husband, and our future grand-baby.
On the other hand we would also be a lot further away from our son and daughter who will be remaining here in Minnesota. UUGGHH.
I will know more over the coming few weeks, but I can tell you that at 54 years old, I am not a fan of this change.

However....
Speaking of the Grand-Baby. The countdown has begun!
Big change number two....

By the end of the week I will be a Grandpa.

Since we have not been told if the baby is a boy or girl, we all refer to the baby as Baby B. Now Baby B is not actually due until January 1st, but due to some complications they will be inducing my daughter later this week. So Baby B will have a name and be part of our family before weeks end.
My daughter and her husband have had a number of challenges during the pregnancy. As a parent you want to be there and help them. You just ache as you see them go through this alone when they are so far away. Yet they did it. They handled these complications with strength and faith.
I can't tell you how proud I am of both of them.
AND..
I can't tell you how much I am waiting to hear the words, "You are a Grandpa!"

See..  Change can be good also....

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gon' come, oh yes it will
(A Change Is Gonna Come    Sam Cooke)

My Scar...

I have talked about my scar a few times and how much I hate it. Even today 15 months later it still looks ugly. It still looks angry. And it still hurts. 

I had wanted the original operation to be laparoscopic to avoid having a big scar. With that type of procedure I should have come out of surgery with only five small one inch scars. Well, at some point in time during the surgery, things went sideways and they need to open me up. So now I have this six to seven inch scar running down the middle of my chest. 

So today I headed to the University Of Minnesota to start steroid injections in an effort to try to get this scar to settle down some.  

Funny thing about getting steroid injections. They don’t numb up the area before they start jabbing you with the needle. Who does this? I mean even the dentist gives you some topical before he stabs you with a needle. 

Their reasoning for this is that since both the numbing agent and the steroids are done with a series of shots, it only makes sense to do one series. They feel it makes no sense to start jabbing you with one needle to numb the area and then have to jab you another needle to inject the steroids. Your gonna feel one series of shots anyway so you might as well just get it over and done with. So they go in live. In theory it make sense.
That is until you notice the other folks in the room.

Like other procedures I have had, before the procedure starts, the doctor went over what everyone in the room was going to be doing. In short the other folks were in the room to try to keep my mind off the procedure (WARNING WARNING WILL ROBINSON!).

One person was there to relax me by messaging my neck. That was nice. Another person was there to watch my feet to make sure that I kept wiggling my toes to keep my mind off the pain. Yes, it really does help. Then there was someone whose sole job was to keep me talking. You see if you are talking then you are breathing. If you are not talking then you might be trying to hold your breath through the procedure which could lead to you passing out. Which would be bad.

Once he had explained what everyone was doing he asked me if I had any questions. My question was “This is really going to suck, isn’t it?”. His response was “Yep, this is gonna sting a bit”.

Needless to say it hurt like hell.  They needed to inject steroids on both sides of the scar so that it healed evenly. So they went from side to side all the way down the length of the scar. Oh and when they happened to hit a sensitive spot on my scar, well that took the level of suck to whole new plane.
In my defense they only had to remind me to breath twice.

Today was the first of what will most likely be three sets of injections.
Next one is set for December 13^th. 

So I got that going for me…  Which is nice..

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time

I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!

I'm floating around in ecstasy

So don't stop me now don't stop me

'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time

(Don't stop me now  Queen)

Another First.

Well that went better than I thought it would.  

Yesterday I was eating lunch when all of the sudden it felt as if I was chewing on a bunch of sand. I spit out what was in my mouth and there was the remains of what once was a filling I had in one of my teeth.

So I started searching around with my tongue trying to find it. 

Hoping that it was just a filling and not part of the tooth. 

Hoping that it was one of my lower teeth. 

Hoping that there would not be any piercing pain when I found it.

Well as the Meat Loaf song goes, two out of three ain’t bad.

First, there was no sharp areas around the tooth, so from what I could tell it was just a filling that had popped out. Second there was no pain. It was shallow and no nerve ending were exposed. I even went so far as to drink a cold beer or two later in the day and there was still no pain. All good. 

The bad news was that it was an upper molar. 

Now I am not a big fan of dentists. I have had a few root canals in my time and have had my share of both good and bad experiences in dentist offices. So I wouldn't go as far as saying that there was a fear of going to the dentist...  Actually, yea fear is good word to use. 

We have been going to the same dentist for a while now. He knows about my surgery and knows that my head cannot go below the rest of my body for any extended period of time. I mean normally, if it is an upper tooth, it feels like they just turn you upside down and go to work. They couldn't do that with me anymore. And since this would be my first dental work since having my surgery I was concerned on how it would go. 

The only thing Dr. B said when he came in the room was “Really? You couldn’t have lost one of the lower fillings?”. He then smiled and told me not to worry. He was pretty sure he could get at it without tipping me on my head. It was just a matter of adjusting the chairs around a bit and we would be fine.

In the end I think it took them more time to get us all situated in positions that would allow him to get at the tooth, than it did to actually fix the tooth.

I was in and out in about 35 minutes and all I can say is that there was no pain which is always nice.

Thanks Dr. B!

Welcome to my nightmare!

I think you're gonna like it!

I think you're gonna feel you belong!

We sweat and laugh and scream here!

'Cause life is just a dream here!

You know inside you feel right at home, here!

(Welcome To My Nightmare   Alice Cooper)

Sleep.

It has been a while since I posted anything, so I thought I would give a quick update.

A few weeks ago I had my 14 month checkup. These checkup are always the same. They involve being poked, prodded and drained of a few vials of blood. For the most part all of the blood work tests came back fine. They were on the low end of the acceptable range, but in the acceptable range none the less.  

As always, once the test are run, the conversation goes to how I am doing. They want to know how I am adjusting to my new life without a stomach, and for the most part I am doing well.  The one exception to this would be sleep. Since the surgery getting a full night’s sleep has been a challenge. Some nights I might get a few hours at a time, but there have been many nights when the hours just seem to slowly slip by. 

This all started while I was in the Mayo Clinic. It sometimes feels like my insides are shifting from one side of my body to the other in the space where my stomach used to reside. The doctors assure me that it is not the case, but that is what it sometimes feels like. 

When I sleep I need to make sure that my head remains above my body. Your stomach has a flap that keeps stomach acid and bile from coming back up your esophagus. Well they removed mine when they removed my stomach, so it limits how I can sleep.  Again, this was nothing new I have been struggling with this for the past year.

We tried everything. Over the counter drugs, Melatonin and natural sleep aids. Nothing worked. We even went so far as to go out and buy a new mattress. Nothing worked. 

While at the Mayo Clinic had put me on Ambien and it seemed to be doing its job. I may not sleep all night, but it wouldn’t take long for me to fall back asleep. The problem…  Ambien is a federally regulated drug and getting a refill takes an something just short of a letter from the FDA. 

I was given one refill and then nothing. 

So now they have put me on a second antidepressant.  Yea, I wrote second.  I take one in the morning to help “keep me balanced” and I take two of the other antidepressants to help me sleep. We have agreed to give it two months and see how I do. I will tell you that I am sleeping better. I may wake up, but I can go back to sleep. I have had no sleepless nights. 

It is just antidepressants have side effects.  Even taking one has side effects, but I am now taking two different ones.

We will see how this story unfolds…

Golden slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles awake you when you rise

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby

(Golden Slumber  The Beatles)

Give It A Year They Said.. Give It A Year..

After my surgery last year it was recommended that I give my body a year or so to heal before I started doing anything "strenuous" again. Yesterday I found out why.

I played 18 holes of golf for the first time since I had my stomach removed.

The original agreement with the doctors was that I would wait to play golf until next summer. I am not sure if this was to protect me or to give the local fairways I had been on a chance to grow back. I don't know, six of one, half dozen of the other I guess. Still I checked in with my doctor on Friday and got the OK to get back out there and swing away.

One thing that they did tell me was that I might be surprised to find out how much a round of golf would take out of me. What? It was a round of golf. It was a best ball tournament for heavens sake and we were riding in a cart. How much energy could it take?
I was about to find out.

The first five or six holes went just fine. I didn't play all that well, but my energy level was up and I felt good. We laughed and made jokes as we made our way around the course.

About the 6th hole or so, I started noticing that I was getting tired. The clubs seemed heavier and they took a lot more energy to swing. I figured that I just needed some food so I snacked up. I got some chips, some water and figured it would tied me over until the end of the round when we would eat.
I got this... Or so I thought..

By the time we started staring down the last four or five fairways, I was wiped. I had to pull myself out of the golf cart. It took all of the energy I had to swing even my lightest clubs. I mean we were ridding in golf carts and it felt as if I had just walked the entire course. My energy was just gone.

I like to stay active. I am just not sure how you stay active when you have to continually worry about stuffing your face with food just so you do not run out of gas.

Anyway, they say that a bad day golfing is better than a good day working and it does still hold true for me. As tired as I was by the end of the round I still had an amazing time. The best part of the day was spending some time with a lifelong friend that I do not get to see nearly often enough. I just pray that we do not wait another two years to see each other again.

Seventeen has turned thirty-five
I'm surprised that we're still livin'
If we've done any wrong I hope that we're forgiven
Got a few kids of my own
And some days I still don't know what to do
(Cherry Bomb  John Mellencamp)

The Ties That Bind

"As long as the ties that bind us together are stronger than those that would tear us apart, all will be well."  (Basic Text of the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous pg.57)

This past Saturday was our 28^th wedding anniversary. What a difference a year makes. This year, I worked at the store in the morning which left us the evening to relax and enjoy each other’s company. We had an early dinner at the River Inn, won some money at pull tabs (then gave it back), and then buzzed the town on our mopeds. We finished off the evening with a cocktail, some popcorn, and rented the movie “The Jungle Book”. All in all a good night.

Later today we will finish up our anniversary weekend with all the kids and an evening of laughter and games. Jenny and Sam are in town for the weekend which makes it even more special. This will probably be the last time we get to see them before the baby is born.

Last year, over our anniversary, I was just starting my weekly runs back and forth to the Mayo Clinic. They were beginning to suspect that a stricture had formed, but had not decided on starting dilations yet. In fact for our anniversary I was lucky that I wasn't spending additional time in the hospital, or that I was not enjoying my dinner through a Pic line. It was just the beginning of a really tough stretch in our lives. We were looking at traveling down a long tunnel of worry and not knowing, but we made it though. It just took some time.  

You lose count of anniversaries so I wanted to write about this one. I mean we have spent our anniversary together and separated. Our anniversary has arrived when we were sick or when we had sick kids to take care of. We have spent them in mourning over loved ones lost or with family and friends celebrating life. We even spent one, six years ago, in the intensive care unit at the University of Minnesota after I started hemorrhaging at dinner. So this year having one that was low key and relaxing was nice.  

The longer you stay together the more that can and will happen. The more that happens the stronger the ties that bind you together become. Just think, next year we should be celebrating our first anniversary as Grandparents. It's gonna be a good year..

Happy Anniversary Edie.

You should know, Everywhere I go
Always on my mind,
You're in my heart, In my soul

(You’re The Inspiration  Chicago) 

A Quick post....

We got some horrible news yesterday and I need to figure out a way to move past it, so I thought I would share some of it.

Over the past few years we have had the privilege of being able to help some young people out when, for one reason or another, they needed a place to stay. Sometimes things at home were tough or complicated, or sometimes they just needed a break. And since we have the room , when we can, we help.

I would love to say that all of these guest stays ended on positive notes, but that has not always been the case. Most of the times if an issue cropped up, it came from someone not wanting to follow the rules that were set down when they moved in.

The rules are pretty simple and the few major ones were:

• While in school they could stay with us as long as they want. But their parents needed to know and agree to let them them stay with us.
• The school needed to know where they were and they needed to go to school.
• Boyfriends were welcome but curfew is 11:00 PM and then boyfriends needed to go home.
• No alcohol.
• No drugs.     

There are other small requirements(like chores), but for the most part those were the major rules. If and when there was an problem with a guest, usually one of these rules were the issue.

Well earlier this week there was a horrible incident in one of the neighboring towns involving one of the young ladies that lived with us awhile back. Out of respect for all of the families involved I will not being going into details, however this young lady's life will be forever changed because of a poor decision that she and a friend made. Life doesn't have an undo button when things go bad.

This wanting to help comes from my parents. While I was growing up we would have extra people live with us all the time. We didn't have a lot of money but it didn't matter. I can remember on more than one occasion when an entire family would move in with us. If people need help, and you can help them, you do it. End of story.

So I was taught from a young age that if people need help and you can help, you do it. It is just one of the many teachings that were passed down from my parents that I am proud to carry on.
It is just hard because these young people become part of your family and you want them to succeed and flourish just like you do your own children. You want to celebrate their victories and accomplishments and want to help protect them from harm. All the while knowing that their not yours and all you can do is pray.

Sometimes that is not enough....

I can't tell you how much this hurts right now.

                                                                 Happier times.

Trouble.. "Warning Warning Will Rogers!"

Should have saw this one coming.
My wife and I went out for dinner at a new restaurant yesterday.
The restaurant is called the White Horse and it is located in St. Cloud Minnesota. The menu is packed with new and interesting items and I couldn't resist.

I settled on a dish off of their "Around The Globe" menu. It consisted of of lamb tips in a house massala, clove, tomato, yogurt and cream sauce. It should have screamed at me "too rich for you", but it didn't.

So I ate it. Or I tried to anyway.
I started getting sick before the bill arrived. Thank god it was early in the day and there wasn't a lot of customers in the restaurant.

It did taste amazing though. Maybe next time..

And there will be a next time. There always is..

No risk, no excitement
Hey lets get it while we can
'cause
Some mistakes are too much fun
To only make once
(Some Mistakes   Brad Paisley)

A Favor....

At some point in time tomorrow this little stomachless community I reside in grows by one. 

I do not have this persons permission to say anything else so I wont. I just know that when I was going through all of my trials of recovery this person would send me notes just to keep my spirits up. 

Now it is my turn to return the favor.

This person is in good hands down at Mayo, but it is still a major surgery. The whole family can use all of the prayers, good thoughts and warm and fuzzies we can throw in their direction.  

So please keep them in your thoughts tomorrow.  Thank you.

To my friend down at Mayo. You are in great hands. Dr. K is one of the finest in the world and you will be up on the road to recovery in no time. 

Still tomorrow my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Roger

So dream your dreams and live your life
Knowing there's more than to merely survive
Don't give up, don't give in
Fight through the rain and lean into the wind
'Til you come to the edge of all that you know
Run right through the dark knowing you're not alone
(When The Mountains Fall   Mark Schultz)

My Life Without A Stomach... Year 1

The doctors told me to give it a year.
They told me that it would take a year to feel “whole”. 

Well as of today it has been one year since I had my stomach removed. 

So, how do I feel?  
Do I feel “whole”?

To be honest, I don’t know. I think so..

I had my stomach removed on August 4^th 2015 to ward off cancer. I carry a mutated version of the CDH1 gene. During follow up visits to the Mayo Clinic it was discovered that I also had a condition known as Barrett's Esophagus. Combined together my chances of getting a rare form of gastric cancer was placed at over 90%.  My options were limited and I decided not to take the risk. So I had my stomach completely removed. When my test results came back they indicated that there was no cancer in my stomach or esophagus.  

The doctors felt that I got lucky. How much longer my luck would have held out is anyone’s guess.

When all is said and done, life without a stomach is not that big of a change. It is more of just an adjustment to the way that I live my life than it is a change to my way of life if that make sense.

I feel the same as I did before. It doesn’t feel like I am missing my stomach. I feel like it is still in there. I just know that it is not. I can still eat food and drink beer just as I could before the surgery. I just need to slow down, eat/drink more often, but in smaller quantities. That's probably not a bad thing.

Over the past year I have had set backs. Strictures were a constant reminder that I was no longer normal and things were different now. There was dilation after dilation. Then came "that damn stent". The good news is that I have not had a stricture since the stent came out. 

I am at the point where I can pretty much eat what I want. There are things that are still off the menu though. It may sound strange to some, but I miss having a salad. I have tried to have them a couple of times and lettuce is the problem. It gets stuck, which never ends well.  Broccoli slaw is another problem. Our family uses broccoli slaw in some of our favorite menu items. For instance I use it when I make my BBQ chicken wraps and a similar style pizza. Since the surgery the rest of the family still gets to enjoy them, but I have to stay away. I also miss eating raw carrots. I use to grab a mitt full of carrots and munch away. Now I can eat them cooked, but I get in all sorts of trouble if I try to eat them raw.

Food gets stuck all the time. It is just something you learn to live with. I can go days or weeks without having an issue and then all the sudden it seems like I am throwing up all the time. In most cases, these are self-inflicted. I am eating too quickly, or I am too busy talking and not paying attention to how well I am chewing my food. Eating is no longer just second nature, I have to remember to think about eating while I eat or I am going to have a problem.

I miss deserts. I can have small amounts of ice cream. I sneak a piece of candy here or there. The challenge there is that I have no will power and a sneak here or there sometimes leads to more sneaks and then the wheels come off my day for a bit. Let me be clear. Dumping syndrome is a bitch no matter when or where it happens.

I struggle to stay hydrated. Drinking enough water is always a problem. You know on those hot days when you are thirsty and want to take a big gulp or guzzle down some ice cold water. Or better yet, you want to take that big pull off of an ice cold beer. Yeah, I can’t do that anymore. I am not a big “sipper”.  If I want to drink something, I want to take a nice sized gulp. Now every time I try to do that, it gets stuck, and comes back up as fast as it went down. I know what you are thinking “How can water get stuck?” Trust me it can get stuck and it does. 

Before the surgery I weighed around 250 pounds. Now I weigh 186 pounds. I might swing a pound here or there, but I have maintained this weight for a number of months so it is safe to say that this is my new weight. I like the way that I look. The exception to that is how I look in a muscle shirt. Recently I needed something to cover my scar while in the ocean over vacation. I tried on a couple of muscle shirts and yeah, no one needed to see that. Trust me not a good look. T-shirts work, I will stick with t-shirts.

I do not like my scar. It’s not healing correctly. It still hurts and is really ugly. The University of Minnesota wants to start steroid injections into the area so I think that I am going to give that a try.

So after a year what do I Know..
I know that I am a CDH1 genetic mutation carrier and I always will be. There is no cure for this and there is no way to fix it. So this label will be with me for the rest of my life. If research links this specific mutation to anything else then I will be at risk.

They did not find cancer so I am not a cancer survivor. I just had to make a decision. Sometimes I find myself wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t made the decision I did. Would they have ever found cancer? If so when would they have found it? Would it have been over this past year, or five years from now. The doctors feel certain that they would have eventually found it, but when? I don’t regret my decision, but I do think about the “what if” more than I probably should.

I wonder how my children’s lives will unfold. They have a 50/50 chance of inheriting the mutated gene from me. They have all made the decision not to let this “chance” spoil them out of any experience that life has planned for them. They are all strapped in for the long hall and ready to battle, fight, rejoice and celebrate everything life has planned. My god, my daughter and her husband are going to have a baby in January. If anything says “I got this”, it’s having a baby. All three of the kids have the same “I Got this” attitude. I can’t tell you how proud I am of all of them.

Still the father in me keeps reading and keeps researching in hopes that, if they ever need to make this decision, they will have options that I didn’t have a year ago. Advancements in treatments are being made all the time and my prayer is that hopefully, soon, they will be able to break the link between this mutation and cancer.  Wouldn’t that be nice.

It’s been a long year…

It's times like these you learn to live again

It's times like these you give and give again

It's times like these you learn to love again

It's times like these time and time again

(Times Like These  Foo Fighters)

Wrapping Up A Vacation

It's late afternoon here on the coast and we are putting our finishing touches on our beach vacation of 2016. Tomorrow morning we all start our journey home.

My goals for this vacation were simple. Sit back relax and heal some more. Yea, I threw in some other odds and ends but they were just added bonuses. I would like to think that I accomplished all of my goals, but only time will tell.

Tonight we head out for a nice dinner together and then tomorrow morning we need to be out of the beach house by 10am.
There are always tears, but it gets followed by the excitement knowing that this group in one form or another has been making this trip every other year for the past 18 years. The faces may change but the journey remains the same.

Two years from now, when we get back here, a new generation of our family will be experiencing this getaway for the first time...

Now that is something to look forward too. 

In my mind I'm going to Carolina. 

Can't you see the sunshine, can't you just feel the moonshine.

Ain't it just like a like a friend of mine to hit me from behind? 

Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.

(Carolina In My Mind. James Taylor)

Good Morning From The Beach

We all made it safe and sound.
Today is our second full day here and it's been amazing. We have had days filled with sunshine, walks on the beach, smiles and the ocean. At night we play games, listen to music and fill the house with laughter. Just what the doctor ordered.
Our first night we were even treated to a thunderstorm that rolled up the coast and shook the house.
Last night my son and I went for a stroll on the beach. OK, I went for the stroll, he was Pokémon(?) hunting. I guess we caught three and we didn't even bring bait.

Speaking of fishing...

I met this little guy while walking on the beach yesterday. He lives in Tennessee and he is 4 years old. This was his first time to the ocean and his first time fishing. His older brother had already caught a fish so he was sad that no fish had taken his line. Yet, he knew one would because now it was "his turn". Sure enough, while I was there he had hooked on to his first ever fish. So when I took this picture, the battle had begun.
The fish he caught was no more than four inches long and looked more like a mouse that it did a fish. But it didn't matter to him. He had caught his fish. He had even struggled to bring it in on a full size fishing rod because that was how his brother caught his. He helped to unhook the fish and he released it back into the water.
Then he yelled, he cheered and danced in the water.

Depression is something that I have struggled with since the operation. You have your plan and you do your best to stick to the plan. All the while knowing that life doesn't care about your plans and the wheels can come off your plan at any moment. My plan has been derailed so many times. You just adjust the plan and start over. It just sucks.
Even here at the beach it creeps back in. It is just always there.
My doctors check on it and we talk about it every time I see them. They have not put me on anything for it as of yet but we are talking about it.
Yet after watching that little guy yesterday, maybe I am going about this all wrong and just maybe I need to take a page out of his book.

Maybe I just need to yell, cheer and dance a little bit in the ocean.

So let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to think
If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself
(Dancing With Myself  Billy Idol)

And We're Off.... Sort of..

At 5:30 this morning vacation started for real. The crew got shaken, awakened and rousted. The final contents were stowed in the rented minivan. The remaining space in the van was then filled with excited, yet sleepy passengers. Then I waved goodbye as they started their journey eastward and went back to bed.

Wait! You thought I was going on this vacation too?
I am... I'm just flying!

This is actually day three of my vacation. The first two were filled with trying to get things done around the house. My car needed repair work done. The lawnmower had died and needed to be fixed The lawn needed mowing. One of the mopeds needs a new tire. Just the odds and ends of things that needed to get done. And as I would get things accomplished I would reward myself with a beer. People who know me shouldn't be surprised by that last comment.

Now I did bike eight miles yesterday. Not really by choice though. As I mentioned my car needed to be repaired and the shop that did it was eight miles away. Since I was the only one off of work yesterday there was going to be no one around to give me a lift when I needed to go get my car. So I told my wife that I was going to ride my bike to get it. She sort of laughed at me. I reminded her that I did that many times as a youth, to which she reminded me that I was no longer a youth. So I did it.
It took a little over an hour to get there and I only had to push my bike up a couple of "steep" hills. In my defense when I arrived at repair shop and the owner saw that I had biked, he asked where I had biked from. I told him Hanover, to which he replied "Oh my god that is up hill all the way". He didn't sound like he was being sarcastic and I hadn't paid for my repair yet, so I think he was serious.

Today there are few last minute things to pack that I will need to carry on the plane with me. A few minor things to finish up here and then it is off to the airport for my flight at the buttcrack of early tomorrow. Next stop, the beach.

I have to admit though, this morning, as I was packing the final contents into the van. I was struck by a sense of loss that I was not making the journey with them. I would miss this part of the adventure. Then I saw how stuffed the boys were in the back seat and though "Nope, I am good".

I guess I just don't have the stomach for it anymore.... :-)

So much as come before those battles lost and won
This life is shining more forever in the sun
Now let us check our heads and let us check the surf
Staying high and dry's more trouble that it's worth
In the sun..
(Road Trippin'    Red Hot Chili Peppers)

Setting My Sails Towards Vacation

In a few weeks we will heading back to the coast of North Carolina.

We have rented a beach house on Topsail Island. This is a trip that our family takes every couple of years and the coast of North Carolina is the place where we go to unwind, regroup, and reconnect.

My goals for this vacation are pretty simple.

1. Continue to heal.
I could say that the healing portion of this journey has gone smoothly, but that's not the case. I am still getting food stuck, throwing up and experiencing dumping. I want some time where I can just sit and be. I don't want any drama. I don't want any doctors poking or prodding me. I just want a place where I can relax and let whatever still needs to heal, heal.

2. Read a book or two by authors I have never heard of.
Not just any book. I love a good mystery. So my goal is to find a couple of local authors who write mysteries set along the North Carolina coast. If the books are set in Topsail even better, but I will take anything written about the coast.

3. Listen to music.
If you read this blog, you know that I enjoy listening to music. My iPod has everything from Disney show tunes to Frank Sinatra, to CCR to Dave Mathews and Disturbed. What I listen to depends on my mood and what is going on in my life. So for this vacation my iPod has been loaded up with over 6,000 tunes to carry me through the week. Music wise I think I am good.

4. Find a new beer or two (or more)
Working at the liquor store gives me the opportunity to try and experience new beers. The only challenge is that for the store to have them they need to be distributed for sale into our area. That eliminates a lot of beers, from all over the country, that are not widely distributed. So my goal is to search out local beers that I can only find in North Carolina. No list, No searching for any specific beer. Just walk in and say "what do you have that's local" and give it a try. Life is too short not to try something new.

5. Enjoy the family and friends.
With everything that has happened, our family dynamic has changed and continues to change. Heck, we are going to add a grandchild next year. God, I love saying that. However, who knows how many years we are going to be able to keep making this trip. Time changes all, and this year our family is different than the family that was there two years ago. Two years from now it will be different yet again.

So we will enjoy the beach, enjoy the ocean and enjoy each other's company.
The beach is callin' and I am heading out...

Where it all ends I can't fathom, my friends.
If I knew, I might toss out my anchor.
So I'll cruise along always searchin' for songs,
Not a lawyer, a thief or a banker.
(Son of A Son Of A Sailor  Jimmy Buffett)

Always The Last To Know...

Father's Day....  2016

Everything I went through. The surgery. The hospital stays. The complications and strictures. The dilation then the stent was done so that life could happen. It was done so that I could live and experience life to it's fullest. 

Tonight a new milestone. 

I am going to be a Grandpa. 

It seems everyone knew about it but me. We had Maddie's graduation party yesterday and I am shocked at the number of people who knew and no one said anything. At least no one said anything to me...

The baby is due on January 1st of 2017. 

You take risk. You make plans. You hope and pray that things work out. 

And today they did.

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I close my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

(With Arms Wide Open   Creed)

Does That Come With A Toy?

I mentioned in my last post that I had recently gone fishing in Canada. One night while there we went to a small restaurant for dinner. Now it has been 10 months since I had my stomach removed and you would think that I would have this whole eating thing under control, but you would be wrong.

The restaurant we stopped at was a small family diner attached to a motel. We were the only ones in the dining room and we had a very attentive waitress. I ordered what I thought was a safe meal, chicken tenders. The meal was six fairly large chicken portions. They were cooked a little on the over done side, but with enough BBQ sauce I figured I would be just fine. Well on the second or third bite a piece got stuck. So much for "safe".

Food getting stuck happens every so often and I have learned how to deal with the situation. Most of the time these events are self inflicted. In this case I was chatting with my friends, not paying attention to how well I was chewing my food, and a big chunk got stuck. My fault all the way around. Once food gets stuck, it has to get unstuck. It is that simple. Nothing else can go down until whatever is stuck moves. Once you dislodge the food you are are kind of sore and on this particular evening I was pretty much done eating.

Well, about that time the waitress came back asking us how our meals were. She saw my plate of food and said to me "Well, your's must not have been all that good". I assured her that it was fine and I was just full. You could tell from the look on her face that she didn't believe me but she didn't say anything.

Later she returned and asked me if I needed a to go box which I politely declined. Wrong decision on my part. She immediately took that comment as if I had just lied to her about the quality of the food. She needed to know why I didn't like my meal and was not taking no or "it was fine" for an answer.

I have mentioned before that without a stomach I need to eat 5-6 times a day. Before the surgery I could eat maybe once or twice a day and that was all I needed. So this is a big change for me. Before I would wait to eat until I got hungry and then go scrounge something to eat. Once I was full I could continue on with my normal life. Now I don't get hungry. There is nothing to tell me to eat.

Our youngest daughter graduates from high school tomorrow. With the ceremony and then a full schedule of graduation parties to attend, I have this funny feeling that there will be more days upcoming where my eating mirrors that of my life before the surgery.
My plan is to keep reminding myself to eat but that is easier said than done. For instance, last Sunday I was staining our deck in preparation for our daughters graduation party. I worked on the deck the entire day and it wasn't until after 6 pm that I came to the realization that I had only had a half of bagel to eat all day.

You don't get hungry, you don't feel full. You feel "normal". Then your body, or in this case, someone else reminds you that you are far from normal.

Back in Canada I proceeded to explain to the waitress what had happened and that I had recently had my stomach removed. Due to this I couldn't eat much and that there was nothing wrong with her food. Also, since we were from the states we had no way to keep the leftovers safe for later. All was fine. I just wasn't going to eat anymore.

Her answer to the entire ordeal was "you come in again for your next meal and I will let you order off the kiddie menu..."

Really?

Though the dawn may be coming soon

There still may be some time

Fly me away to the bright side of the moon

And meet me on the other side

(Dream Weaver  Gary Wright)

A Run To The Border!

Remember in the early 90's when Taco Bell's slogan was to "run to the border". I was working for Best Buy at the time and there were many days when that phrase would echo down the hall. It was lunchtime and the only question that needed to be answered was, "we are running to the boarder, you in?"

Well today I got to run to the border once again. This time however it will not be to Taco Bell.

Welcome to Canada. Our journey takes us to Nipigon Ontario on the northern shores of Lake Superior.  I have never fished in Canada and nor have I fished Lake Superior so this will be a first for me.  Large northern, large walleye, and large small mouth bass are our targets for the next couple of days.

The spot we will be fishing has been producing large northern pike over the past week or so. The numbers of northern pike over forty inches has been mind blowing.  Over a couple of day span this particular bay has produced forty plus fish over the 40 inch mark. To say I am excited to get out there would be an understatement.
The weather will be a challenge for us as rain and storms are being forecasted for the area later tomorrow. The bay we will be fishing in will provide some cover, but Lake Superior is big and I do not be on her in a boat when the storms roll in. So the plan is to hit it hard tonight and then again tomorrow for as long as the weather holds.  With everything I have been through over the past 9 months, I really do not want to star in my own version of the deadliest catch....

Update:
We are off the lake for the evening. In total we landed seven northerns the smallest was thirty six inches and the large ones were well over forty inches long. These were some of the largest fresh water fish I have seen.

And we are just starting our time here.

Gutless In Kansas City

How do you stay “fed” while on a business trip when the trip is short of time and lined wall to wall with meetings? The short answer is that you don’t. It is just not possible. These times are what makes getting back to a normal life after a total gastrectomy (T.G.) tough.

To stay healthy after my T.G. I need to eat 5-6 times a day.  I keep food and snacks in my office that I can reach for anytime. Eat some chips here, or some crackers there. Just keep eating is my motto. I understand that I am never going to be able to sit down like a normal person and eat enough food at any given time to keep me sustained for a long period of time. So I need to eat constantly. It is just a rhythm that I have learned to roll with. 

Well you can’t do that when on the road. You are just too busy and the challenge is that if you miss one or two smaller meals, you can’t just eat more later to make up for it. If you don't eat, it is just a meal missed. You can only eat so much so that missed meal is just food you don't get. Trust me, I have tried and failed on more than one occasion to eat more to make up for a missed meal and it is not pretty.

We arrived in Kansas City yesterday around lunch time. I had breakfast in the morning and a light snack at the airport. All good. Then if you count the peanuts on the plane then I was able to eat three times before lunch. Lunch was at an amazing Kansas City BBQ joint. However, after lunch the wheels started to come off my plan. Due to plant tours and process meetings the next chance I had to eat anything was dinner. So now I had missed two smaller “meals” that I normally eat.  Dinner was a local Japanese grill. This would be my first time eating sushi since my TG, and regrettably it did not go so well. The food was great, but my body didn't like it. Even my main course did not agree with me and I threw up everything I ate. Not good. Later in the evening I tried to eat some french fries just to get something in me, but after my dinner experience I was too sore and I threw them up also. 

Today (Wednesday) started early. We needed to be on location earlier than normal so I missed breakfast at the hotel. I was able to grab a bag of chips during a break, but other than that my first food came at noon when we went to lunch. I can’t tell you if it is related or not but I physically started to hurt this morning as the day progressed. The pain didn’t start to go away until after I ate at lunch. So far today I have really eaten only once and I should have eaten at least 4 times by now. 

We are getting ready to head home and are at the airport. I have sometime available to me to catch on my eating. However there is a bar right near me and I could go get a beer. If you know anything about me you know that I chose poorly. I can always eat later. Goose Island IPA.  J

Overall the trip was a success. We were able to find many ways to support our overall trip objective. 

I just need to get this eating thing down.

In the hustle of the day, were all inclined to miss

Little things that mean so much

A word, a smile, and a kiss

(Try A Little Tenderness   Frank Sinatra)

Another Year...

It’s funny how this day just sneaks up on you. One minute it's months away and then all the sudden you are like, wholly crap it’s tomorrow. What day is it? Well tomorrow is my birthday. In total it is number 54, but it is my first since having my stomach removed so it seems appropriate to look back at this past year some. 

Since my last birthday, a lot has changed. I mean I started the year with a stomach and then let them cut it out. 

I have spent more than my fair share of time in hospitals. I have way to many IV’s and found out the hard way what a PIK line was. 

I spent a day at Valleyfair with my family enjoying the lights and the rides, yet got no lights and sirens with my ambulance ride. Go figure. 

I have been poked and prodded and prodded and poked. It seems like everyone and their sister has stabbed me with needles this past year. I now stab myself with one on a monthly basis just so I don’t forget what the feeling is like. I have seen doctor after doctor and they never seem to agree. So you just roll with it.

In the end  I was put to sleep fourteen times this past year and woke up each and every time. So I got that going for me. However by the time we got everything under control I had lost 82 pounds. 

I am slowly starting to put some of it back on (183 pounds and counting as of this morning).

As tough as the year was, it is still highlighted by the positive news that there is no cancer to deal with. So many people are not that lucky so I will count my blessings. 

The next few weeks of May will be busy to say the least. The good busy will include Jenny coming home! There will be a number of my family and friends all of whom will have birthdays during this time which give us reasons to celebrate. Yet there will be that one birthday that will be kind of tough. My little girl turns 18 soon. She is an amazing young lady, but she is our youngest and I still see her as that little ball of energy bounding through the house with no fear. They grow up too fast.

Then there will also be the anniversary of my Dad’s passing. 22 years. UUGGHH.

To top it all off I will be traveling to Kansas City next week on business. Yep, heading to land of amazing BBQ joints and great craft beer.... 

All without a stomach (insert sad faced emoji here).

I don't know where I'm going

But, I sure know where I've been

Hanging on the promises In songs of yesterday

An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time

But, here I go again

(Here I go again..  Whitesnake)

Settling Into A Rhythm... Sort Of..

It has been almost 8 months since I had my stomach removed and 5 weeks since I had the stent removed and I seem to have settled into what my adjusted life will be from now on.

Except for one thing.

My nemesis..
A nemesis is described as "the inescapable agent of someone's or something's downfall". Mine is chocolate. I know that now. I always though it would have been Diet Coke or beer, but it's not. It's chocolate in any shape or form. I have decided that since I enjoy chocolate, I am going to eat chocolate. I must have chocolate. Yet, my body has other ideas. So I do my best to just grab a piece here and there. I try to be sneaky about it, but that doesn't work. Then my body starts to retaliate by gurgling and peculating quite a bit. It really does make a pretty loud ruckus. In my mind that just means that it just needs more chocolate and the battle of wills begins. So far I have lost most of these tasty battles, but the campaign is not yet over.  So stay tuned..

Other than chocolate, I can eat what I want and even the portion sizes have started to increase. I still need to work on when to stop eating though. There have been a couple of times, since the stent was removed, where I ended up throwing up because I ate too much. If you remember I don't get hungry and I don't feel full. That is until it's too late. It is all about balance. I Slowly try to increase the amount I am eating in order to gain weight, without eating too much or I throw it all back up.

The other night I had a T-bone steak. First steak since the whole stent episode started and I grilled it to perfection. So I had the smaller tenderloin side and was fine. I thought that I could handle at least some of the porterhouse side. Did I mention that it was cooked to perfection? Well I tried to eat all of it. Wrong decision on my part. Well you live and learn I guess.

My days now consist of a small breakfast. A snack when I get to work. Another snack around 10:00 am or so and then try to pack in 30 grams of protein for lunch. Usually that will hold me until just before I head home, so I have a snack before I leave. Snacks can be applesauce, a protein bar, potato chips, or even sting cheese. It just depends on what I have in my office at that particular time. Once home I eat whatever I can whip up, as often as I can. If I have to work at the liquor store then I take a bevy of snacks with me. Hit the 60-70 gram mark per day and I am good to go.

I now weigh 181 pounds and seem to be holding steady. It can fluctuate a pound or two on a daily basis, but I have been over 180 for the last four or five days so I will take it. It would be a lot easier though if I could eat chocolate,
I'm just sayin..

You can say the human heart is only make-believe
And I am only fighting fire with fire
But you are still a victim of the accidents you leave
As sure as I'm a victim of desire
(Don't Ask Me Why  Billy Joel)

Gaining Weight

It has been just over three weeks since I had the stent removed and I thought I would give you a quick update on how things are going. The good news here is that there is not a lot to update.

I am back on the path of trying to gain weight.
Before the stent was put in I weighted around 186 pounds and for the most part I was comfortable with that weight. Anywhere between 186-190 and I would have been just fine. Then I had the stent put in and my weight crashed. I had the one morning when I hit 169 pounds but I had forgotten to put my wallet and cellphone in my pockets so it didn't count. Now with the stent gone I am gaining weight, not as much or as fast as I would like but it is heading in the right direction. I have flirted with 180 pounds a couple of times, but even with the "extra" things in my pockets I can't seem to get out of the 170's. I am currently stuck right around 178 pounds.
Eating is still an adventure but it has gotten a lot better. I am back to eating what I want (within reason). Still it can change from day to day. For instance one night last week I was craving a burger. So we headed to the River Inn and I had a bacon cheese burger, no veggies on it, but it was complete with the bun. Everything went just fine and I managed to eat about three quarters of it. The next day at lunch I had the exact same thing, just a different restaurant, and I struggled to eat any of it. I can't tell you what the difference was, I just couldn't eat it.

I have officially given up on calorie counting. My doctor keeps pushing me to eat 2,500+ calories per day and I am here to tell you that will not happen. The best I was able to achieve was 2,000 calories in one day. That day it seemed like all I was doing was shoving food into my face and with my life that is just not sustainable. So I am back to focusing on counting proteins and trying to eat at least 60 grams of protein per day. When I hit or exceed 60g, I can gain weight, or at least stay the same. Under 60g and I loose weight.
Oh, and on the day I managed to eat 2,000 calories... I lost a half pound. Proteins are a lot easier to keep track of.

Work has been crazy in a good way and will continue to be so until probably the end of May. There will be lots of long days with team members coming and going. There will be team dinners and gatherings to keep me busy and we threw in a business trip in mid May just to keep things interesting. And you know what? Life without a stomach has not slowed me down one bit. In fact it pretty much mirrors what life was like before any of this started.  It's all good.

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few
(Goodbye Stranger  Supertramp)  

Unexpected news

I received a phone call out of the blue from the Mayo Clinic today. At first they only wanted to see how I was doing after the procedure last week. We exchanged notes on how I was doing and, in their opinion, what I could expect over the next week or so. Then the conversation took an unexpected turn.

After the procedure last week the doctor who removed the stent told me that they had done nothing with the tumor. With everything they had done it would have been to risky. What he failed to mention was that they did indeed take a biopsy of the tumor while they were in there and the call today was to update me on the results.

The results.....
The tumor was benign! Nothing to worry about.  Just a unexpected blip on this long and winding path. Benign!
They informed me that unless something goes sideways, I am done at the Mayo Clinic. Done with Mayo Clinic. Done with dilations. Done with strictures. Done with hospitals. Done with this phase of my life.
It has really been a good week!

I'm gonna win, yeah
I'm gonna win
You see it's a matter of pride
Deep down inside
I'm gonna win, yeah
I'm gonna win
(I'm gonna win. Foreigner)

One week, 7 days…

This will be a short post, but I needed to write about this past week. 

Last week at this time I was down at the Mayo Clinic having the stent removed. Or as I named it “that damn stent”. I know that the stent played an important role and it did its job, but that doesn’t make me like it any better.  I remember when the doctor walked into the room before the procedure, he asked me if I knew what they were going to do to me. I replied you are going to get this damn stent out of me. He just smiled and said “yes, we are”.

Since then, for the most part, I have been pain free. The pain in my chest where the stent was located is gone. I wish that I could put into words how good this feels, but I cant. It is just that for the first time since this all started on August 4^th, I am pain free and it feels amazing!

I am off all medications and only need to take my supplements. My weight has stabilized and I sit at 173 pounds. I am still on a “modified soft diet” for a few more days so putting on weight is going to be a challenge. However after Tuesday I can start adding things back in. One of the foods they took off the menu for this period was pizza. I don't know why it was removed, but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that it will be one of the first ones added back into my diet.  

Then there was yesterday. Easter Sunday. A friend and I served the community breakfast through our local church. Larry and I have done this for the past 6 years. It is something we both look forward too and have a lot of fun doing. Three weeks ago though I didn’t know if I would be able to handle it. The pain and the nausea was constant reminder that I was not well and I didn’t know if I would make it through the morning. But with the stent gone, I felt great. We ran the kitchen like we always had, snitching samples of everything we wanted and the six hours flew by. We laughed and had a blast.

And there was no pain.

What a week!

Fantasy could never be so giving

I feel free, I hope that you are willing

Pick your feet up, and kick your feet up

Dance with me

(Dance with Me  Orleans)

Stentless...

Here is quick update from yesterday.
First and foremost the stent is out! I can't tell you how happy that makes me. For the most part I am pain free for the first time in a long time. I noticed that pain in my lower abdomen was gone almost immediately. It was a great way to wake up. They did have to use a breathing tube on me yesterday so I have a sore throat from that, but other than that I feel good.

So where did all the pain come from? They think that they figure that out. The image you see is a drawing of the connection from esophagus to my intestines after my total gastrectomy. According to the drawing that the doctor drew yesterday, I think that the image is reversed, but it will work for the explanation.
As you can see, it is not a straight shot from where they connected one to the other and the stent had to run through both. So the stent basically ran from where you see the arrow point on the esophagus side to about the arrow point on the jejunum side. Which included that nasty bend. The stent was not a natural part of my plumbing so it didn't work the same. Due to that food was getting stuck in the stent and plugging it which caused the pain. Now that the stent is out things seem to be flowing smoothly and working as they should.

As for the tumor.
They only took an ultrasound of it yesterday. They did not biopsy or remove it. They felt it was too risky to do during yesterday's procedure. The ultrasound images did lead them to believe that the tumor is not cancerous and should not cause me any problems however the only way to be 100% sure is to remove it. Now your esophagus is made up of five layers and the tumor is located in the forth layer. The only way to remove it is to cut it out which will create a hole in my esophagus. With everything that I have had happen since the surgery, they want me to heal before they go down that path. So the plan is to watch it over the next year and if it changes in size or shape then they will remove it at that time.

For now I am back on a total liquid diet for the next two days and then a modified liquid diet for a week or so after that. My weight has stabilized at right around 173 lbs. I will be happy if I can come out of this restricted diet time holding this weight. Once I can eat again, I will focus on adding weight back on.

Thanks for the support yesterday,

And if you're not afraid to open your eyes
You may be pleasantly surprised
Things are never as bad as they seem
You just gotta learn to see
The forest for the trees
(Forest For The Trees  Huey Lewis And The News)

Monday

Monday I head back down to the Mayo Clinic, hopefully to put and end to this little life interruption. I know that things could still go sideways on me, but such is life and I will roll with whatever happens.

My goals for this Monday are as follows:
First and foremost get this damn stent out of me. I know I have said it before but I hate having this thing in me.
Second I want off these drugs. Oxycodone makes you all warm and fuzzy. It does the trick and they gave me enough of it to last a while. The challenge comes with the side effect. And it's not just with the oxycodone. All of the drugs I am on have the same side effect, so the sooner I can get off them the better.

I also need to end the drama surrounding the tumor. Whatever it is, wherever it came from, it needs to go away. Just remove it. I want it out of my body. I hate knowing it is there. They are already going to be in there so just take it out.

Well that's it until after the procedure. I know that I have been posting a lot recently and I apologize for that. It is just that I feel that this may be all coming to a head and as you can tell it is a little stressful. Thanks for sticking with me.

You need direction, yeah you need a name
When you're standing in the crossroads every highway looks the same
After a while you can recognize the signs
So if you get it wrong you'll get it right next time
(Get It Right Next Time  Gerry Rafferty)

170 Pounds Anyone??

I will quote Michael Keaton from the movie Beatlejuice....  "I've seen the movie 100 times and it just keeps getting funnier." He was talking about the movie The Exorcist. I might not be talking about a movie, but I am stuck in my own personal horror story.

The other morning I weighed myself and the scale read a new number....  171 lbs.  I am closing in on 170 pounds. What the heck?

Here is what I know. I know that 170 pounds will not be a good number for me. I know that I have no idea when the last time I was at this weight. Maybe in 9th or 10th grade when I ran track?

Here is another thing. I do not like they way I look right now. So there will be no crazy selfies in front of a mirror anytime soon. I know you were all waiting for one. However, the closest you will get is that picture of the stick person I posted in my last blog. At the rate I am shedding weight it is good resemblance.

I am not sure how to react anymore. I try to eat and stuff my face with food. One moment it is fine and then the next I am throwing up. Staples like ground beef are hit or miss. Even soups are an adventure now. I still have a few days before the stent comes out and probably a few days on a liquid diet afterwards. So there is a chance that I have not hit my bottom weight yet. 

The good news in all of this. I had a doctors appointment last week with my normal health care provider, Kara. She was concerned about the weight loss and decided to run all new blood work to test for malnutrition. All the tests came back fine. So the blood work from both the Mayo Clinic and the University of Minnesota Heath systems say that I am healthy, just really skinny.  

This morning I was back over 173 pounds, which was nice. I also have to believe that things should start to swing my way after Monday. That is the day that I head back down to Mayo and this damn stent comes out. There will also be an ultrasound taken of the tumor and decision on what to do with that. And just maybe, depending what they see and how the other procedures go, a biopsy may be taken and we can put this new twist behind me.
I can only hope.

Like I said it all just keeps getting funnier.....

Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again
You don't know what it means to win
Come down and see me again
(Never Going Back Again  Fleetwood Mac)

"I Pooped Today"

My son has this t-shirt. It is a simple shirt that I can only imagine that someone has made millions of dollars off of. It is of a stick person with its hands in the air and a big smile on his face proclaiming that “I pooped today”.

My son loves to wear that shirt. This past year when we went to have our yearly picture taken with Santa, he had on his I pooped t-shirt. He goes as far as to try to strategically place himself so that the shirt can easily be read in the photo. And he never lets you know that he has it on before you get there. He just waits and then just before the picture is taken he takes off a sweatshirt and smiles.

That’s my boy!

So why would I write about a t-shirt saying? Well after the stent was put in I was in pain and couldn’t keep anything down. So when I was back down at Mayo last week I had them change around my pain medications so that I could manage until the stent comes out later this month. My pain management regiment was then changed to consist of a rotation of Tylenol, Tramadol, and Oxycodone. All at varying times, all prescribed to keep Roger warm and fuzzy.

However, one of the main side effects of hi-dose pain medications, that they tell you about but you ignore, is constipation. You can’t poop, or in this case I couldn't. Yeah, there I said it and feel free to stop reading now if you wish. This blog will get not get much better.

Here is the issue being constipated without a stomach. You have no storage space. Once you get backed up everything just shuts down. You can't eat or drink anything. There is no place for anything to go. Your body just sends it back out the way it came. The only medication I could keep down was the Oxycodone, because that was in a liquid form and my body was able to absorb it before my insides could decide that there was no room for in and send it back up. The challenge there is that the Oxy was the strongest of the pain meds I was on and therefore the one causing most of the problems.

Now I have been on Oxycodone since the stent was put in on the 23^rd of February. It has been a constant friend since then and I cannot tell you when the side effects started for sure. All I can tell you is that things started going downhill fast right away on Monday morning. I made it at work until 10am on Monday and then had to leave. Tuesday and Wednesday were a little better and I was able to tough it out until about 1pm on both days but then had to head home.

By the time last night came around I was grasping at straws. I had even gone so far as to tell myself to shape up or I was admitting myself back into the hospital on Thursday morning. I told myself I was serious this time and I was going to let them do whatever they want to me to make the pain go away.  

Got a garden hose?  Great!   

Want to stick it where?  Go ahead! 

I am not above threatening myself to get what I want. 

Well I had stopped taking any pain meds other than Tylenol Tuesday night. My hope was that 24 hours off of the strong stuff would help kick start things. And it eventually did. About two thirty this morning things started moving. Today I feel better and things seem to be working as they should. If you think this is "TMI", well I warned you to stop reading.

I can tell you this though, not taking any of the stronger drugs, with this stent in, still sucks and I hurt today. 

And not eating anything for three days has not helped me gain any weight back and I am now down to 174 pounds.

Yet, if I had Jack's t-shirt I would be wearing it and probably smiling like the stick figure guy. 

There are times when all the world's asleep,

The questions run too deep for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd But please tell me who I am.

(The Logical Song  Supertramp)

Quick Friday Update and A New Plan....

There are still questions to be answered but after spending most of last Friday at the Mayo clinic I can say that we now have a plan.

Here is what I know:
March 21st, the stent comes out! YES!
It is hard to express how much I hate having this thing in me. I can feel right where it is and it hurts all the time. It makes eating almost impossible. You take one bite of something and you are fine, two bites later and you are throwing it up. Even drinking a beer or having a long island have become a challenge with this thing in.
They have me on pain and anti-nausea medications. They help me function but the dull ache is always there. Again, the good news is that the stent comes out soon. Hopefully I can get back to being my non-medicated self after that.
 
Before then I need to have an X-Ray taken. The purpose of the image is to make sure that the stent did not "migrate" down into my intestines. That would be bad. This is going to happen this coming Friday. The good news here is that we have made arrangements to have the image taken here locally and the results sent down to Rochester. I do not have to drive two and a half hours for a 15 minute appointment.

As far as the tumor goes, there seems to be differing opinions as to what exactly it is. The surgeon who did my gastrectomy, Dr. Kendrick, does not understand how they could have done eight endoscopies and not seen the tumor. He feels it has to be something other than a tumor. The doctor who placed the stent in still swears that it is a tumor so we will be proceeding as if it is. I guess we will find out sooner than later.
So what does that mean? First off they are going to go in and take an ultrasound of the "tumor" to get a better understanding of what they are dealing with. They will also be prepared to biopsy it at the same time. Good news here is that I do not have to wait long for this procedure. It will happen on the 21st when the stent comes out. Again all good news... I am thinking that the 21st could be a really good day!

I would also like to send a huge thank you to my little sister Melanie for tagging along with me on Friday. It was really nice spending time with her, even if it was between appointments. The look on Dr. Kendrick's face when he found out that he had both of the "Wonder Twins" in the house was priceless.

I was told a million times
Of all the troubles in my way
How I had to keep on trying
Little better ev'ry day
(Keep Yourself Alive  Queen)